If it ever feels like your emotions are out of control. This technique is super fast and effective at helping you feel more balanced and ready to deal with what ever is coming up for you.
By Dr. Cindy Sholes
Relationships are hard,and the ones you care about the most seem to be the hardest! At least this has been my “truth” lately. For the pas few years I have watched my beautiful teenage daughter drift away. The fun and love that we once had in our relationship somehow morphed into an ugly,cold,and often wordless,distance. Every attempt I made to connect with her just made things worse. And I found myself getting more and more frustrated with her and afraid of the destructive trajectory she (and our relationship) seemed to be traveling on. Things were going the wrong way,and I felt powerless to stop them,at least until recently.
In December,because my heart was breaking,I reached out to a colleague,Paul Sterling,for help. I feel blessed to have found answers in his work. The good news is that reconnecting and turning things around turned out to be simpler than I thought. Within the first 10 min of listening to Paul’s “5 Mistakes” recording I realized that the way I communicated with my daughter was the main problem. Instead of making a connection with her the way I wanted,most of my communication with her was building a case against her and telling her what she needed to do to fix her problems. Another hour or so into Paul’s recordings I understood how I could change things around,make a connection and get my needs and hers met. I have continued to gain insights and tools with the “4 Steps” and “7 Paths” recordings.
The insights I gained from listening to Paul’s tapes were helpful but not always easy to apply. I am grateful to be able to receive coaching from Paul which gives me the support I need to put his tools into practice. My challenges with my daughter have not resolved fully,but now I see a solution and more than a glimmer of hope as I use the new tools I was taught by my colleague. Although there is work to do,love is coming back,understanding is coming back,and communication is again possible.
I have been so excited about the simplicity of Paul’s method and the effectiveness of his coaching that I couldn’t wait to share what I learned with you. If you have been in the office in the last few of weeks you probably heard me talk about Paul Sterling’s Relationship Magic Method*. You can get access to Paul’s work in several ways:
For more information about how you can get this brilliant material go to http://www.magicRelationship.net/cindy
* Paul Sterling works with couples who still love each other but are having communication/intimacy problems that may destroy the relationship.
Paul is the creator of The Magic Relationship Method,and he is an author,public speaker,intimacy coach and certified tantric educator who helps couples increase the amount of physical and emotional intimacy they experience in their lives and their relationships.
Do you sometimes feel like you are avoiding something but don’t know exactly what? Does your “dark side” scare you? Are you pretty sure you have it handled so you never have to experience it?
I have noticed a lot of my clients (and sometimes myself too) take on avoidance behaviors that aren’t effective in the long term. This might be over-eating when you are alone,bored,or even just to extend meal time. It might be keeping yourself so busy that you don’t have any “free” time to be alone with your thoughts. Maybe for you it is waking in the middle of the night feeling anxious for no apparent reason.
If any of this sounds familiar to you,you might be in avoidance of your “default mind state”. What is this? It is the state of mind that your brain goes into when it has nothing to do. It used to be called the brains “resting state” until brain imaging studies determined that your brain is in fact more active in this state than when you are focused on a task. If the brain is so active at “rest” then what could it be doing?
Well studies show that when your brain is focused on nothing in particular it begins to think more. We all have random thoughts that are all over the place and often go in circles,causing us stress or suffering because of their negative content. Sound familiar?
Buddhists call this active mind state “monkey mind”.
What can you do about this? Most wisdom traditions such as Buddhism,yogic practice,mystic traditions in Christianity and Judaism teach meditation or prayer which brain studies now show lead to a settling of the brains default state and over time reduce the negative thinking and suffering.
Because so many people find meditation to be inaccessible I created a short (10 min.) guided meditation called “Calming the Monkey” mind which can help even the most reluctant meditator find a more comfortable mind state. You can download this meditation for free by visiting my website at Mind Wave Institute.
If you have listened to the meditation and are still struggling with default state avoidance then maybe it is time to come in for a session. There is an extremely effective NET technique that will settle your default mind state in a way that allows you comfort in your experience of it. Basically it is a rapid technique for peace of mind.
You may have heard that laughing is very healing. It is true that laughing is uplifting and puts your body in the right physiological state for optimal health and healing. You might be surprised to find out that you don’t have to have something to laugh about in order to get the healing benefits of laughter.
You can be doing really great for a while,staying on track,and then for some reason all control flies out the window and you PIG OUT. This has happened to me on many occasions and when it goes unchecked I gain excess weight I don’t want or need. I am lucky that I have learned the secrets to deal with will power so that,most of the time, it works for me when I need it. Neuroscientist have known for years because the studies have been done. But are you reading the neuroscience literature? Since I am often that nerdy I thought I would share with you the secrets that have been hidden deep in the libraries of the ivory towers.
Have you ever noticed how willpower is a limited resource?
Why is that?
Willpower is your decision maker,a function of the conscious mind,your prefrontal cortex. When you are using will power you have to think don’t you? Your thinking mind,your prefrontal cortex,takes mental energy to use.
Your will power actually gets worn out,it fatigues,just like a muscle. Once it is fatigued,it quits working well and goes off line. So by the end of a busy or challenging day,if you are like most people,your willpower is just about shot. It is hard to make new decisions,instead you just fall back on old comfortable habits (good or bad).
If you are trying change your habits to keep your eating under control so that you stop eating in excess or are selective about what you are eating,then you need willpower to help you make those positive choices. But willpower goes off-line when you are concentrating on something else such as driving,watching TV or browsing the internet. This is because your prefrontal cortex,which makes the decisions necessary for willpower to be effective,can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. (Multitasking is very inefficient,in not ineffective.)
Most devastating is when you are overly hungry,in other words,when your blood sugar is low. Not only do you crave high carb. junk food when this happens,but your brain goes into what we neuroscientist call cognitive dysfunction. You can no longer make effective decisions and you fall back on old patterns and mindless eating.
And,of course,when you drink alcohol,watch out junk food,its coming in…
What you can do about it:
If you want the easiest and most effective way to change your habits then join me for one of my talks or come see me in my office. I am happy to share with you the most effective strategies for you. Give me a call at 650-704-1252 for a free 30 min strategy session.
On May 30,2012,David Stouder hosted Dr. Cynthia Sholes and Dr. Mitra Ray on KEST radio program,The Road Less Traveled. Hear what they have to say about the most effective ways to rejuvenate and regenerate for beauty and vitality.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation,creativity and change.”
If you have ever had the feeling “I am not enough”then these videos are a must.
Watch Brene Brown talk about an important and seldom talked about component of the human condition.
My spring cleaning project in some sense got started last spring with abdominal surgery. I had to remove what we thought was a cyst from the inside of my abdomen,but turned out to be a fist size non-malignant cancer. As you can imagine,this was quite a scare. For a couple of days,all we knew was that I had cancer. I had to work hard with my mind and emotions not to begin to focus on the worst case scenarios and send myself into a panic. My mantra became,“Delete that thought. We just don’t know yet.”
The surgeon and oncologist recommended that I soon undergo a second more invasive surgery to remove all of the surrounding and “unnecessary” organs —my spleen,my appendix and a portion of my colon —because of the specific type of tumor. According to the doctor,it could re-grow and eventually take over my entire abdominal cavity. It took me a couple of months and some pivotal coaching by a naturopathic doctor and friend, Dr. Destia Skinner,to really settle into the idea of trusting the innate wisdom of my body to heal itself rather than choose to take my chances with the invasive surgery.
I decided that if I was really going to trust my body,I had to support it with a clean diet,This led me to work with Dr. Mitra Ray,a biochemist,with a P.h.D in cellular biology and a passion for whole food nutrition. I committed myself to her 7 day Beauty and Rejuvenation retreat followed by a 90 day whole food plant based diet. With the help of Mitra’s coaching,I was able to eliminate about 10 lbs of unneeded waste,most notably,fat and I learned that for my body to really operate at it’s best,I needed to eliminate toxic waste. Needless to say,I felt great too.
Suddenly,I started noticing that having clutter in my physical environment feels overwhelming and disheartening. I was starting to feel a connection between my physical space and my emotional and internal space. So I decided to cleanse and organize my home and office. Thanks to the inspiration of my friend, Chris Stovall,who is a professional organizer,my kids and I began a purge of the excess clutter in our house and personal spaces.
It has been a difficult journey for me to let go of so much of the physical clutter that I have chosen to have around me because letting go of it has required me to look at myself in the process. And that is never easy,for anyone. I started feeling more emotional throughout the day. I remembered that cleansing has a scientific effect on emotions,making the old patterns impossible to ignore. The Mind-Gut connection:our guts contains upwards of 100 million neurons and produces 95% of the feel good neurotransmitter -Serotonin. There are some 30 other neurotransmitters also produced within the gut. So it is no surprise that when the body purges toxins that are stored in the gut,old emotional patterns and stored neurotransmitters of all kinds get released and cleared out as well.
During this process of physical cleansing,I discovered patterns that I was holding onto emotionally that were now ready to be cleared! I called my friend and colleague,Dr. Ginger Mills,who is a chiropractor and energy healer. Because of her keen sense of how our emotional and energetic patterns get stuck in the physical body,she was able to help me clear the energy patterns that created the environment for dis-ease . She utilizes shamanic healing tools and a keen intuition to facilitate the clearing of patterns.
And now for the best part! Last month,I went in for an MRI to check on the potential progress of the tumor. Thankfully,all that I have been doing,has been paid off. There was no tumor or any remnant of tumor to be found. My surgeon was amazed. He says he wants to see one more MRI next year to confirm that there is no sign of cancer and I will have completed my bout with “cancer.” As I reflect back on this story,I see that one of the most important things that made my story a hero’s journey rather than a victim story was the support that I had from my friends in the healing community. I could not have done it without the support of these talented and gifted healers.
As my husband and children will attest the road wasn’t always pretty. But it was worth it. What I have learned on this journey is that cleansing is a lifelong,daily and sometimes minute by minute process. The connection between the mind and the body is so powerful and while it has always been my passion,I know that my journey has only strengthened my ability to support you more completely in being happy,healthy and whole and to live the life you most dream of. I look forward to supporting you on this journey of life.
For more information contact Dr. Cynthia Sholes,650-704-1252
Contributing Copywriter &Editor:Elyse Marie Kirk
by, Dr. Cynthia Sholes,Ph.D.,MdH
Are You a Wolf?
Native American wisdom says that in our hearts we have two wolves, one is love and the other hate.
Both are strong and evolutionarily important to human existence and survival,and knowing them will help you to make choices that support your health and well being.
The “wolf of love” fills your heart with energy and good health. The “wolf of hate” momentarily stimulates erratic activity in your physical heart,which can be documented with a heart rate variability device. While useful in certain situations,too much of this stimulation ultimately depletes your heart’s function.
As you might guess,in our world today,the “wolf of love” is more often effective than the “wolf of hate”. Unfortunately,this knowledge doesn’t always keep the “wolf of hate” asleep.
The good news is that recognizing and accepting your internal wolves is the first step in having choice and power over them. In this article,you will come to recognize how the wolves of your heart show themselves and how you can begin to work with them to open your heart and strengthen your heart energy.
The wolves have both psychological and physical representations. When one wolf or another is expressing itself,you will have a physical reaction as well as thought patterns and emotions associated with it. Your wolves have their own unique personalities too. It is useful to get to know them.
Getting to know your “wolf of hate:”
To get to know your “wolf of hate,” you may have to look for subtle clues to its actions. The “wolf of hate” feeds on fear-based emotions such as insecurity,overwhelm,frustration,irritation, doom, depression, disdain, shame,distrust,and anger. The “wolf of hate” surfaces anytime one of your needs is threatened.
This could be quite subtle. You might experience the “wolf of hate” showing up as irritation if something threatens your ability to make it to a meeting on time. Or,you might recognize the “wolf of hate” if you feel your efforts aren’t solving a problem that you see. Or you may even feel a bit of hostility to the excess email that is keeping you from getting to bed on time. Each of these are instances in which the “wolf of hate” is alive and well. Depending on what you do and think in the moment you can either strengthen your wolf or subdue its aggressive energy.
In general the “wolf of hate” stimulates the body by initiating the stress response and,depending on how much the wolf has been fed and what type of food you are feeding it,the heart beats more rapidly and erratically,your breath rate increases,your palms might sweat and you might feel excess nervous energy. Aggression and hostility are associated with high levels of testosterone in both men and women and low levels of serotonin.
The erratic heart rhythm produced by the “wolf of hat”e is associated with a range of feelings from fear and hostility to timidity and irritation. It is an indicator of the stress response associated with heart disease,poor digestion,immune system dysfunction and other chronic health conditions.
Caging an active “wolf of hate,” causes long term chronic stress,which can lead to depression and adrenal dysfunction. In depression,there is a flat heart rhythm,often associated with immune suppression,heart disease,or cancer. In this case,the heart has closed and the energy of the heart has become depleted.
You can turn around or eliminate these chronic effects of an over active or caged wolf by learning how to tame it.
Taming the “wolf of hate”:
Getting to know your “wolf of love”:
Physically,a “feel good” hormone call oxytocin is released,a “happiness” neurotransmitter,serotonin,is stimulated and your body relaxes. Digestion and the immune system are supported,your heart rhythm is smooth and even. You will feel your heart open and positive energy in your body flowing. You may feel happy,joy,pleasure,appreciation,compassion and empathy.
Working with your wolves – creating a strong and open heart.
Unfortunately,sometimes you may be too caught up with the specifics of whatever riled up your the “wolf of hate” to find the “wolf of love.” If this is the case, help your “wolf of hate” get more general with its concerns,so that the intensity of the negative feelings begins to subside. Once there,your negative emotions are relatively general — such as feelings of irritation or disappointment — then you will find it easier to engage the “wolf of love.”
The “wolf of love” has empathy and can bring compassion and love to any situation,though you may not be very practiced at bringing these feelings into situations where you might feel threatened. Empathy is also a powerful tool to calm the “wolf of hate” and can be used to settle the negative emotions of this wolf when it is aroused by other peoples actions or inactions. By focusing on empathy and compassion for the other person,you will be able to find a window into your heart to reach the “wolf of love” who thrives on compassion.
Which wolf gets fed is determined not so much by what happens around you or to you,but more by what you think about what happens – in other words,your interpretation of events. Where you have the most power is in recognizing that you can chose your interpretations. Choosing an interpretation that is forgiving and compassionate feeds the “wolf of love” and will give you the greatest strength and power,mending your heart and letting you and those around you thrive.
If your inner “wolf of hate” is over active or gets triggered too easily,or if you have trouble easily accessing the fullness of your “wolf of love”,then give me a call. I can support you with getting to know the personality of your wolves,what their needs are,their threats,and how to work with them to effectively achieve the goals that you have in your life.
Nurture your “wolf of love.” Let your heart sing.
Cynthia A. Sholes,Ph.D.,MdH - Mind Wave Institute - 555 Veterans Blvd. Redwood City,California - (650)704-1252 - firstname.lastname@example.orgServing Menlo Park,Mountain View,Los Altos,Redwood City and Palo Alto in the Peninsula of the San Francisco Bay Area